


The Closest Allies Are All Looking Away

by artsyspikedhair



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Food Issues, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 07:21:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6557107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyspikedhair/pseuds/artsyspikedhair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Farkle's always thought he could rely on his friends. But they are all wrapped up in each other, and while he understands the struggle of trying to figure out romance, he is struggling on his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Closest Allies Are All Looking Away

It started with Billy, all those months ago. Billy called Farkle a nothing, and told him to stop wearing those stupid turtlenecks. Billy said they made Farkle look like a girl. Billy said Farkle didn't deserve his friends, because he was a nothing. Farkle only told his friends the last piece of it, and they reminded him he was still a valued friend, and he was okay, for a while. But that first comment stuck. 

Farkle's choice to stop wearing turtlenecks had nothing to do with Billy. It had to do with him. Farkle was growing up, and he began to like darker clothing. Okay, so maybe he did think the turtlenecks made him look too feminine. Farkle liked these clothes better, and his family had the money to buy him them, and what he looked like didn't matter that much to him anyway. 

Farkle began going through puberty the summer between seventh and eighth grade. He spent that summer at his grandfather's house. He still stayed in touch with his friends through the internet, when Riley and Maya had emailed him about how they sold all of their clothes. Farkle hated what was happening to him, but he didn't talk about it. His friends didn't know he was trans, and it didn't matter anyway. His father was going to get him on hormones in tenth grade, because according to Jennifer, he could always decide he likes being a girl before then. Farkle and Stuart had both shown her scientific studies explaining that that is _not _ __how it works. But Jennifer was not a scientific woman, and while she accepted her son as her son, she always hoped he would go back to being the baby she had projected her dreams onto.__

Eighth grade was when life really began changing. Farkle was almost diagnosed with Asperger's, began getting closer to Isadora, and his friends began distancing themselves in hopes of figuring out what their feelings. Maybe that was when Farkle began being less scientific about himself. He hated his body, and had no one to turn to. Well, he had Smackle to turn to. But Isadora often wished to talk about science, and her studies. She was doing a research project on diets for extra credit in health, and often Farkle would go looking for articles to help her with it. Not that she was incapable, because more often than not Farkle's help was obsolete, but Isadora appreciated the sentiment.Farkle may have internalized some of the messages in the articles, regardless of the fact they often proved that the diets were bunk. Farkle began occasionally skipping breakfast or dinner in favor of reading. Farkle also spent time with Isadora simply hanging out too, and that was slightly more enjoyable than doing schoolwork. Farkle was grateful that Smackle didn't seem to want to kiss or, god forbid, do anything more. Farkle was not ready for a romance at all.

Farkle's friends didn't seem to notice he was spending less time with them, not until Riley and Maya invited him to surprise Lucas in Texas. Or maybe it was the other way around. Farkle noticed Maya, Riley and Lucas' odd love triangle. He would have had to be blind not to. He knew Maya thought she liked Lucas, and he knew Riley liked Lucas, and he knew Lucas was confused. Farkle helped Riley figure out her feelings, because otherwise Riley would fall apart. Farkle knew revealing Riley's crush on Lucas at the New Year's party was a horrible idea the moment he saw the look on Riley's face afterwards. Farkle hated himself. He thought he had been doing the right thing. He thought by putting Riley's feelings out into the open, he would be making room for Maya to stop deluding herself. He thought he would be fixing their friendship, but instead he made it worse. 

The second half of eighth grade came as a sort of blur. He usually ate at least two meals a day, and he did his work. His friend were busy trying to figure out their beliefs and feelings and he was just plodding along. He didn't really feel anything most days. He still didn't believe in God after Mr. Matthews tried to convince him to. His two greatest memories of that time was when he invited his friends to his house, and when he wrote his forgiveness letter. He forgave his mother for wanting him to be a girl. He knew it must have been hard for her, to find out after five years she had been wrong, and now he was fourteen and, while still harboring some resentment, ready to pretend to forgive. He still doesn't know if she ever read the letter. 

Farkle discovered a secret, a few days after the last day of school. Maya had decided to hang out with him because Riley's family was watching Auggie's preschool graduation. Farkle and Maya were just hanging out, talking about how weird it was they would never get to know the incoming sixth graders, when Maya raised her arm to rearrange her hair, and her bracelet fell down past her wrist. Farkle saw a healing cut on what looked to be scarred over tissue. He grabbed Maya's hand for closer inspection. 

"Why did you do it?" he asked. He can't say the thought never occurred to him, but he always talked himself out of it. 

"I just... Sometimes I feel like I can't feel anything, and so I do this and I become happier. Pain is something to feel, and I'm already broken, so what's a little more, right?" Maya smiled, almost smirking at that comment. Farkle realized, looking into her sad, sad eyes, that they weren't all that different. 

That summer, Farkle came to the conclusion that hunger was a type of pain. He slept late most days, and read or hung out with Smackle or Lucas during the times he would normally eat lunch. He would let his friends eat in front of him, claiming his family had large breakfasts. Sometimes, when he felt happier than usual, he would let himself eat lunch. But he almost never felt happy. He had betrayed Riley's trust. He told himself his friends didn't actually care about him anymore now that they had each other. Riley and Maya were spending the summer traveling with the almost famous Shawn Hunter, and Farkle never felt less needed than on those long summer days when his friends were busy, his father at work and his mother off drinking martinis at one of the many bars of New York. 

Stuart Minkus insisted on family dinners. Most days, that was the only time Farkle would talk to his parents. He liked eating after being hungry all day. He liked the lightheaded feeling dissipating as he ate. He liked talking to his father about work. Jennifer was usually quiet. Farkle didn't mind. 

By the end of the summer Farkle weighed ninety pounds. 

School started quicker than Farkle expected. Farkle was excited because he got into senior physics. He also ended up in Mr. Matthews class, which was the only class he was in with all his friends. Farkle was taking computer programming with Riley and introduction to acting with Zay, but those were the only classes with his friends. Farkle was disappointed, but figured there would always be lunch. 

The transition to high school was hard for Farkle. Maya had hunted Farkle down to tell him about the summer.She told him that she got together with Riley over the summer, and that she wanted to quit self-harming. Farkle was stressed trying to help her because she refused to trust the guidance counselor and didn't have money for a therapist. Along with that, his classes were so hard they had him up until midnight most nights. Farkle spent lunches trying to get caught up on his friends' lives and occasionally doing homework. He didn't eat breakfast because he needed sleep more than he needed food, and his father was less strict about family dinners because he was preoccupied with work. This worked out fine for Farkle, who found he was more alert when he was hungry anyway, despite it all. 

Farkle also knew he didn't look like the other boys at school. His father had gotten him out of Wellness by bribing the school, but Farkle still knew without seeing people naked. He was shorter, and had more fat on him in certain places, despite being relatively skinny for his age. Farkle knew if he kept on not eating his curves would eventually disappear. They were already starting to.

Riley noticed after a few months. She saw him doing homework instead of eating, noticed his off-hand comments about not having breakfast. She asked Maya about it when they were out on a date one day. The two told Lucas and Zay about their concerns as well, and the four decided that if Farkle didn't eat three meals in a row in the next week they'd go to Mr. Matthews.

That frosty December Sunday, Lucas asked Farkle if he wanted to have a sleepover. Farkle agreed. The two boys stayed up most of the night, laughing and talking like they used to before high school. Lucas noticed Farkle's clothes were baggy on him, even his pajamas. He was worried, but the smaller boy was still so fascinating he almost forgot about his worry. He kept Lucas enthralled with his tales of the new scientific discoveries. Lucas, on his part, shared the baseball team's gossip and his new crush on Sarah. Farkle felt like, for the first time in about a year, he had his best friend back.

Still, that morning Farkle made Lucas chocolate chip pancakes, claiming he wasn't hungry. Farkle's stomach grumbled, but Lucas couldn't hear it. Lucas talked Farkle into taking half of his, claiming it was too large for him. Farkle ate it, secretly beating himself up in guilt over it on the silent subway ride to school. 

Farkle never puked. If he puked, he reasoned, that would mean he actually had a problem. Farkle knew, as a scientist, humans were not made to eat three meals a day at specific set times. Farkle used that logic to tell himself he was okay, even though he was constantly tired. Even though he hated himself and his body more than ever, he did not have a problem. 

The next day, Riley told him to go buy lunch. "Come on! Go get yourself something to fuel your little genius brain!" Farkle ran out of the cafeteria. Maya followed him. 

"I'm sorry. I... I just can't." Farkle was ashamed. 

"I'm three months clean." Maya said. 

"I know. What does that have to do with anything?" 

"Farkle, I know what you're doing. You're trying to hurt yourself so that you feel something, the same way I did." 

"That's not why, Maya. You wouldn't understand." 

On Wednesday, Farkle barricaded himself in the library during lunch. He read books for his history research project, trying not to think about how pathetic he had become. He can't even eat like a regular person! 

He ate dinner that night, and breakfast on Thursday. He went to lunch on Thursday, and did his homework with Zay and Yogi, grateful Riley and Maya and Lucas didn't have that lunch. 

Friday was professional development day, so the group met up at Topanga's. Nobody pressured Farkle into buying anything. He had fun, and almost forgot how his friends could potentially meddle with his plan. 

On Monday,he had history during lunch block. Riley and Maya had talked to Mr. Matthews beforehand, and he asked Farkle to stay while everyone else ran off to third lunch. Farkle's friends lingered, until Mr. Matthews told them to just wait in the hallway. Zay then said he'd wait for the rest at lunch, and ran off.

"Farkle. You've always been one of my favorite students." 

Farkle was nervous. He had no idea what was going to happen, but his mind thought up some unpleasant scenarios. He shook his head. Mr. Matthews was safe. Farkle was spending too much time online. 

"You know what living organisms need to grow, Farkle?" 

Farkle answered, "Light," knowing it was not the answer Mr. Matthews wanted. 

"Yes, Farkle, they do need light. But they also need food." 

"Plants don't, sir. Plants make their own food." 

"You are not a plant, Farkle. Your friends told me you haven't been eating." 

"I'm fine, Mr. Matthews. I don't need your help with this." Farkle was dizzy even as he said this. 

"Farkle, I know you're different from other boys. And transgender people are highly at risk for eating disorders. So I want you to answer this honestly. When was the last time you had an actual meal?" 

"Th... Thursday. I had breakfast on Thursday." 

With that, Farkle fainted. Mr. Matthews had to call in the nurse, and Riley, Maya, and Lucas followed them as the nurse, failing to wake Farkle up, informed Mr. Matthews Farkle would have to be driven to the hospital. Once the ambulance got there, Mr. Matthews drove the three anxious friends to the hospital to check on Farkle. 

Farkle woke up two days later, afraid and unsure of where he was. Riley and Smackle were sitting by his bed. 

"Riley told me what happened, Farkle. And I am glad you are awake." Smackle said to him, as Riley ran off to get a doctor. 

"You are Farkle Minkus, correct?" The doctor asked. Farkle nodded. "We have you on a feeding tube. Your potassium levels are low, and you appear to be dehydrated. Your blood sugar is dangerously low as well, that's why you fainted. What might have caused this?" 

Farkle let the news sink in. 

"I think I'm anorexic." Farkle said in his typical scientific fashion. This was still a break through for him, and everyone in the room knew it.

"I think I am going to need help." he said next. 


End file.
